I’m awake early at my best friendships’s house after a fun night of hanging out with them and their baby. We can have fun doing anything (last night we cleaned the house). My mom has been waking up at 5am everyday for work, so her getting ready has woken me up too. Now it’s part of my temporary internal clock. Ick!
This past month has been very challenging for me and I’m not totally sure why. It’s all too easy to blame it on the weather, but I generally do go through a funk this time of year. In Austin, being dependent on scooter has made it more difficult to leave the house lately due to rain and super coldness. Leaving the house is usually the absolute best thing for my mental health. I’ve never enjoyed spending a ton of time at home.
Problems that I’ve been having lately are coming from many directions and with great variety. As I grow older I generally feel that I’ve progressed emotionally and with increased stability. Lately, though, I feel unhinged and sensitive. I always thought that maturing meant that you became unhinged last frequently or avoided it. I’m discovering that it’s more about how you deal with becoming unhinged rather than avoiding it. It feels terrible when you think you’ve overcome fears and insecurities from 5 or even 10 years ago. But something triggers them and then the specifics of your current problems almost become insignificant and it becomes more about you as a person and less about the thing that triggered it. You start feeling ways you felt in the past and a bad head space begins. It basically bothers you that something bothers you. haha. It’s pretty silly but pretty real. I feel weak lately when I generally feel strong. I’m learning that this is inevitable and dealing with it in healthy ways is a great goal.
The past few years I’ve generally been very cool and collective. I recall being in many situations where everyone is angry or concerned and I’ve been the beam of optimism. That’s always somewhat been my goal. I am less optimistic than I was five years ago, for sure. Perhaps becoming more cynical is a good thing for me. After moving to Austin, I deliberately kept my guard up much longer than I usually do. As I result I’ve become close to far fewer people than in the past but have casual and light friendships with a lot more people. I don’t know if this is a good thing or not but I think it might be.
I’m not too worried about it and I risk sounding too whiny if I continue much longer. All I can say is that what I’ve learned lately is that it’s important to stay busy with things you love, appreciate the people in your life, and know that something that troubles me now will most likely seem insignificant with the right amount of time. 2009 has been such an incredible year. I’m proud to say that I never stop learning and don’t plan to slow down.
For today, I shall hang out some more with family and friends and head to Pittsburgh to celebrate college buddies! Life is pretty swell. I’m terribly lucky.
